Today is a new day, but yesterday was fun. My friend Deb and I went to see the movie Night at the Museum. Excellent, filled with lots of places for laughter and an excellent theme - within ourselves lie the answers to our questions and we won't find them until we look. The only bummer of the day was my health issue creeping in, cutting a chip off the total fun experience. It made we realize how weak I truly have become for the first time - a new set in dealing with how deep my health issues have become. In the past 2 years, I have watched my energy ebb away, like a slow clog in a drain, but eventually it sucks all away. It is hard to watch. I always hoped I would die quickly, but it is not looking so hot in that direction. It appears I am going to watch the whole process in slow motion - maybe it is a good thing and I fail to see the wonder. However, it has set in motion preparation to that moment. I am getting my life in order (if one would call it that) - getting my poetry in one place, cleaning house of my baggage which really was not necessary to have, and just thinking about what is really important to me at this point. So, that is where today has me, but again, not a bad day, just a new one.

Time has certainly flown since last posting, but then, life has certainly changed too. Some days, health wise, I think I am going nuts. Then some days, I just do not think. My emotions are torn - don't think they exist anymore. I am not concerned for myself per say, but at this point, I think about my family and friends and what my medical will do to them emotionally. I wonder if dying quick is a good thing, rather that time to think and ponder when and how. I have no fear of dying - personally it is the greatest triumph of my faith. I must admit, I do ponder the how and when. Right now I really want to have things in order, in case the time comes it will be too late. At least it offers a focus.

I was angry the other day in my heart - wondering why I would make new friends after my friend Kerryl died, if only to make them to die. I like things more logical and this is not. It is moments like that which hurt me emotionally, as I pain for them, not me. I also get angry as the physical fails. I was brought up to have to deny illness. It was presented as weakness. Thus, this which I can not control or hide creates another emotional dilemma for me to deal. Alas, tomorrow is another with more to ponder - but will I want to think by then?