OK - vented about men, and I will again, but now I will vent about doctors. My doctor is playing me or he is a jerk. He tells me he will make me better everytime I see him and everytime I get sicker. But I know I am not the only one - just look around nursing homes! My friend's mother-in-law and I seem to have a competition these days as to who gets admitted the most - sadly for us all, she is winning. It is bad that even in a nursing home, she keeps being sent to the hospital. And myself, all I need is the removal of a hiatal hernia - how hard is that? ARGGGGGGGG

I used to think I was a miserable woman, that marriage sucked and all that bla bla, but now I am finding out that all women have the same marital issues. Definitely must be a man/woman kind of thing, some glitch in that rib God took from Adam, it just doesn't fit right LOL...oh well, bordom breeds funny thoughts LOL

Since my last post, I spent time in the hospital again! I fear this becoming my life, but I will NOT let it. There is an answer out there, I just have to wait for it to be found.
I worry for my friend who is going through difficult times. She is so sweet, gentle, yet so vulnerable. But I know she is strong in spirit and hopefully she knows I am here trying to uplift her the best I can. However, it is somewhat difficult, when I know my health problems are part of her dealings. Time will find us through to the other side, but time can take so long when one waits...waits...waits...yeah, you get the idea. Oh well, again, there is always tomorrow and if not, so be it.

I often wonder how people make it through the hard times in life without God. Right now, my dear friend Deb is going through a difficult transit time, her mother-in-law needs some type of assisted living arrangements, and life is difficult at home and with her job (isn't it always that way with a job!). I ponder my own weeds - difficult health issues and family struggles. How do people get through it without faith??? For me, without my faith, I would just give it all up and find a well supplied syphon of alcohol and drink my pain away - why else would I want to go on, try, or care? Life would make no sense. But, for my faith, I know life is not always the prime piece of real estate we all want. I know there are going to be weeds, many of them, but I know, with my faith, I can pluck through the weeds and find myself right back at the beautiful beginning, my God, my faith, the savior of my soul!

Today is a new day, but yesterday was fun. My friend Deb and I went to see the movie Night at the Museum. Excellent, filled with lots of places for laughter and an excellent theme - within ourselves lie the answers to our questions and we won't find them until we look. The only bummer of the day was my health issue creeping in, cutting a chip off the total fun experience. It made we realize how weak I truly have become for the first time - a new set in dealing with how deep my health issues have become. In the past 2 years, I have watched my energy ebb away, like a slow clog in a drain, but eventually it sucks all away. It is hard to watch. I always hoped I would die quickly, but it is not looking so hot in that direction. It appears I am going to watch the whole process in slow motion - maybe it is a good thing and I fail to see the wonder. However, it has set in motion preparation to that moment. I am getting my life in order (if one would call it that) - getting my poetry in one place, cleaning house of my baggage which really was not necessary to have, and just thinking about what is really important to me at this point. So, that is where today has me, but again, not a bad day, just a new one.

Time has certainly flown since last posting, but then, life has certainly changed too. Some days, health wise, I think I am going nuts. Then some days, I just do not think. My emotions are torn - don't think they exist anymore. I am not concerned for myself per say, but at this point, I think about my family and friends and what my medical will do to them emotionally. I wonder if dying quick is a good thing, rather that time to think and ponder when and how. I have no fear of dying - personally it is the greatest triumph of my faith. I must admit, I do ponder the how and when. Right now I really want to have things in order, in case the time comes it will be too late. At least it offers a focus.

I was angry the other day in my heart - wondering why I would make new friends after my friend Kerryl died, if only to make them to die. I like things more logical and this is not. It is moments like that which hurt me emotionally, as I pain for them, not me. I also get angry as the physical fails. I was brought up to have to deny illness. It was presented as weakness. Thus, this which I can not control or hide creates another emotional dilemma for me to deal. Alas, tomorrow is another with more to ponder - but will I want to think by then?

Tonight should unnerve me, but it does not. Tomorrow the doctors will do another cardiac ablation - no big deal, been there once - done that been there. Yet, clearly, always there is a risk. I think my "no fear" attitude is so tied to my one and only strength - I have God's grace, so life or death is only a win win situation for me. If I survive, I get to continue enjoying my new family and friends, people I never thought could want me or be there for me. But God found these people for me, brought me to them, even when I hid around corners - it was His will, and how lovely and humbled the experience. If something happens and I don't make it - I get to be in the loving arms of my Savior. And there, yes, I will be so warm and waiting for my friends. So, no, I have no fear. But even so, there does exist a sadness. If something goes wrong, I do know my friends will be sad...wish they would not, but certainly a consequence of human relationships. I hope they all know, if something happens, that I have loved them all and have no regrets, except not being able to handle their loss. But as I learned with Kerryl and Jose, sorrow subsides (a heavenly gift) and life goes on, new friendships made. As long as they never doubt my love and the simple gifts I offered, they they really were the best of me.

I am having an angry moment today. My children, grown with children of their own, just do not seem to care about my husband and myself. But then, my husband and I never created an expectation that caring about us was important - we always told them to live their own lives and never worry about us; however, this was not what we anticipated: complete abandonment. So, I am rewriting my will and leaving whatever is left to my grandchildren. Really should not matter anyway. The children are old enough and have their own lives. Well, have speulled that off my chest :)!