Holidays - I wonder how many, I like, find this season to be the most challenging time of year, of life. Seems to have a happy connotations, but somehow within my heart, I think the majority suffer depression of some sort, whether it be related to a loss or memories which haunt the corridors of one’s mind. The problem then exacerbates itself, as every little thing that happens drives the depression to new depths, until one thinks lower is impossible, only to find how wrong that contemplation was.
When I was a child, I had mixed feeling about Christmas. I knew it was supposed to be wonderful, and like most children, I would window-shop my dreams, with a nose pressed tightly to a window store display. Then one year, Santa finally realized how bad I was, and I got nothing for Christmas, just the opportunity to see how many things my siblings received from being good. I learned then Christmas had to have a different value, for presents surely did not make the season for me. I pretend I was like Jesus, no place to belong, born with nothing. I felt what it must be like for no one to know how special her really was, just like I was sure Santa missed the nice things I had to have done - could I really have been that bad?
As an adult, I got through Christmas and tried to erase my sadness, by making it fun and happy for my children. I never let them forget, though, the real value - the child I bonded with, never forget what it was all about, because presents were never a guarantee. I sufficed and survived until 1991, when a foster child, one I was legal guardian for, raise from infancy to 13 years of age, had a heart attack on a school bus, died without warning, without ever sparing me a moment to say good-bye. I had just shopped for Christmas for him - all his presents just waiting for glittery wrappings, waiting to see his face, to find joy in the eyes of a child. Yes, this time I had presents, but as so long ago, presents were worthless, for I would have given my life, any present I had ever received, for his life to have been spared.
I have since tried desperately not to suffer depression during the holiday season. I put my heart into finding other focuses. I had a great friend who did everything to make me smile, even coming and putting up a tree and decorating it, desperate to help me find a light through the dark holiday tunnel. This year, my sister, who has lived in Texas for 35 years, was coming back to New England. I thought, this holiday season will be a time of family renewal. I put up a tiny ceramic tree, bought her gifts (would do anyway and send them to her), and was putting together a Christmas stocking. However, things have fallen through and now all is in limbo. Life and its roadblocks - happiness always elusive, a butterfly born without wings to freedom. Again presents, again, worthless, again dark corridors closing in.
Yes, there is magic in the birth of the Christ child, but I think it needs to be removed from a “holiday” highlight, and just be allowed its moment, for what it is - a time to reflect, a time to discover what is really important - there is no present in any box that will help me with that...
A gentle place to explore the many gradens of life - thorns and all.
Old Garden Woman
but I do it with a smile!
Live, Love, and Laugh Often
My life's philosophy is "smiles are free, so give them away." Life was given to us to live to the fullest, to love others, and to enjoy the journey.
Also, this is a statement of how I vew myself in relation to all others: "What if I should discover that the of poorest of beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me, and that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness; that I myself am the enemy who must be loved - what then?"
Carl Jung (1875-1961)
2 comments:
Like you, so many of us find the holidays to be a season that is far less than complete. Our minds are filled with the gift so wished for as a child, but never received. Our hearts broken by the loss of a special relationship either through estrangment or death. Like you, many look upon the festivities of others, wishing for a moment that we could just be them because they seem so full of joy. But then, the realization dawns that each and every one of us suffers from a similar tragedy in one way or another. The difference is that some are able to hide their pain deep down and move on. While they come to terms with those losses, there is a always a hole left in the heart of the one who has been left.
I too lost a brother right before Christmas. The gifts that were meant for him had already been mailed to my parent's house where he had lived. I so wanted to chase down the mailmen and take them back those gifts so that they would not remain for my parents a painful reminder of what had been.
The gifts that my brother had lovingly wrapped were still beneath our tree waiting to be opened. It was a sign that though he was gone, he was still really here with us. This was a realization that was so ironic...gut wretching yet poignant all at the same time.
Even the celebration of the birth of Our Lord, Jesus is a poignant one. It is hard to celebrate the birth of this wonderful innocent child without looking ahead in time and realizing that this child was born to literally die. Unlike the inevitable death of all of us, this death would be one at the hands of those whom he came to save. This death would be painful and humiliating and yet at the same time would bring victory for all who believe in God's promise....even as we stand at the foot of the wretched cross.
God too suffered much through the incarnation of God's only son. God knows the pain with which we "celebrate." And through that pain was willing to suffer more for our sake.
God's incredible love for our sake is the salve that helps to heal the wounds of loss. For one day, I know that I will once again meet with all of my loved ones and that every relationship that has been soured by death or estrangment will be made right.
Until that time when God brings all things unto God's self, we are here to be for and with one another. To identify with the pain of the others and at the same time, to share that hope of which is to come. Even as some of our actions comes from the empty shell of our hearts, we know that God is there, accepting what little we have to give and offering us the hope that God has so freely given for our sake.
I find that many of my friends that celebrate the holidays long for a good family to spend it with. I have to say that I cannot relate because I have never, ever celebrated any holiday, including my birthday so I do not long for family at these times or long for what it should have been. These days are like any other day for me. this is why I have no idea what to say to you to incourage you or add a little light to your heart. I'm not usually low on words but in this subject I am. I have no emotional attachment to the holidays and no tradition-based memories or nightmares. I suppose that this could show that they really are just days of the week, of the year, in time. time passes but memories do not. Make new ones, if you celebrate these things make new memories for yourself or the old ones will choke out the chance of new ones.
i dont know if that is too simplistic. I hope its not.
your friend,
Aussie
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