Time has certainly flown since last posting, but then, life has certainly changed too. Some days, health wise, I think I am going nuts. Then some days, I just do not think. My emotions are torn - don't think they exist anymore. I am not concerned for myself per say, but at this point, I think about my family and friends and what my medical will do to them emotionally. I wonder if dying quick is a good thing, rather that time to think and ponder when and how. I have no fear of dying - personally it is the greatest triumph of my faith. I must admit, I do ponder the how and when. Right now I really want to have things in order, in case the time comes it will be too late. At least it offers a focus.

I was angry the other day in my heart - wondering why I would make new friends after my friend Kerryl died, if only to make them to die. I like things more logical and this is not. It is moments like that which hurt me emotionally, as I pain for them, not me. I also get angry as the physical fails. I was brought up to have to deny illness. It was presented as weakness. Thus, this which I can not control or hide creates another emotional dilemma for me to deal. Alas, tomorrow is another with more to ponder - but will I want to think by then?