People die - I know, been there, watched it, felt its deafening sorrow. It is time again for another friend to die - I do not want to go through it again - no choice and that just bloody sucks! It is another cancer victim. A body loaded from top to bottom with cancer and no one knew and that pisses me off - I want to know why. My friend has suffered from unknown pain of varying degrees since I have known him. Why did doctors not pick it up - I mean, he is loaded - there must have been something missed. Yes, I know it creeps up, and pain is not a first stage, but at the stage he is at (9 weeks at most) someone was not doing their job for it not to be picked up - they just gave him pain meds after pain meds. Makes me crazy! Anyway, this time it could not be missed, so they sent him home to die *deep sigh.*

Tomorrow I am going to sit with him for a few hours, so his wife can go to work and get things organized, so she can be out of work for a while. My stomach feels like killer ants on the march eating their way to my heart and soul.

time implores us - end,
no more, time
injures us, die you
bastards who refuse
to play the game
my way, time is the answer
and you lost the question -
time implores us - end,
my game, my way,
I call it - you lose
Simon said and you
didn’t follow - game over
time implores us - end

Just a bit of anger I feel right now, just one of the many steps of grieving. I feel familiar with them all and right now I am angry, step number two, first being denial/shock. In a blink of a human eye, his breath will no longer flow - he will no longer smile, tell his jokes, cook his wonderful meals, be there - such a gentle being, just gone - how long can I not blink - not that long I guess. I wonder what the next nine weeks, if he makes it that long, will be for him? How will he feel - angry? relieved? lost? He can not eat, so I guess at some point he will not feel the hunger, but will he miss it? Will he be frightened? Will he be afraid of sleep, for fear he will never open his eyes again? He is too sick to try and fill any dreams. I wonder if he will hate the living. I wonder if he will be so angry with dying, he will lose anything good which may come between now and the short, ever shorter time he has. I wonder what life will be like without him? Enough questions....